Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
What did the drum say about his childhood?
Those were the cymbaler days.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.
What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.
If you suck playing the trumpet, that's probably why.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.