What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.