“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."