“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
Go to BabaMail
