A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
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