What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
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