Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
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