What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
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