What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
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