What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
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