Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”