The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
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