The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
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