Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
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