What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
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