Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
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