As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
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