Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
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