My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
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