What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
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