Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"