Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
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