My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
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