I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
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