What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
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