My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.