We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
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