You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
Go to BabaMail
