I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
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