My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
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