Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
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