What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.