I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
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