Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
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