My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
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