My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
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