After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
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