Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
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