My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Go to BabaMail
