My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
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