Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.