Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
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