How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.