There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.