I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.