I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
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