He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
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