I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
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