Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
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