How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
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