Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
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