I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
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