Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
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