How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
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