My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
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