Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Go to BabaMail
