Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
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