Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.