My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
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