What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
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