If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
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