Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
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