What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
What did the turkey say after Thanksgiving dinner? I'm still stuffed.
Do you know what is the actual difference between hell and hill? It is only a fine line.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
“Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.”
You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
Wondering what crows prefer with soup, crows like crowtons in their soup.
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