Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
What are the best sandwiches to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy melts!
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
You're so clover!
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
Do you know why the beaver was found guilty?
Because the prosecutor had damming evidence.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?
What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?
You-Rang-a-Tang?
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
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