I can row a boat.
Canoe?
What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
Pugs and kisses.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
Why couldn’t the clownfish buy a house?
The fish could not buy a house because he didn’t have an-e-mon-e!
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
Do you know why the beaver was found guilty?
Because the prosecutor had damming evidence.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
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