Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
Whale, whale, whale …
If it isn’t a pod.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
Artists know how to draw the line, so you can't really peer pressure them.
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? Anything you want. He can't hear you.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
Turtles that commit crime are sent to the shell-block.
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
You are pitcher perfect.
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
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