What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Some people like to play croc-quet.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
How do deer clean their feet?
Hoof paste.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
Why are there fish at the bottom of the sea?
Because they dropped out of school.
I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
This is snow laughing matter!
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw. Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes ? A dino-sewer.
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t sink?
Bouy-ant.
Shell yeah.
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
I’ll be there in a pinch.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
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