All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.
He was Tolkien all the way through.
I wood never leaf you.
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
"I'm nuts about you."
There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
What is the best period of a bee's relationship?
The honeymoon.
What do you call a computer that plays tennis?
A server
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
I was gonna make some car puns...
but I ran out of gas.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
Did you hear about the bread party? It’s scone be a lot of fun, and wheat love for you to join us.
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
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