This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
I couldn't chair less!
I’ll never fir-get.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
What do you call a kangaroo in Africa?
Lost.
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
Calm before the score
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
What do you get when you cross a goblin, a stop sign, and immortality?
An everlasting gobstopper!
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
You make miso happy.
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
Snow on and snow forth.
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.
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