I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
My pet crocodile needs help
Can I give him gatorade or does it only work for alligators?
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
Believe in your elf.
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Crowing, crowing, gone.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
Dublin over in laughter.
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
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