What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I will not smell it!
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
"I make pour decisions."
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
She sells seashells by the seashore.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.
Little to no goals.
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
You don’t like my winter pun? How cold!
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
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