Four types of weather were having a race. Sunny won gold, cloudy got silver, snowy picked up a bronze, and rainy won a precipitation award.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
Why did the bald man decide to paint a bunch of rabbits on his head? He thought that they could look like hares from a distance.
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
What happens before it rains candy? It sprinkles.
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatchet.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
What is an unlimited phone plan? A limit cannot be charged.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
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