I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
Crowing, crowing, gone.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
I like your tight end
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
“Bah-Hum-Pug.”
How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
What’s a werewolf’s favorite nighttime story?
A hairy tail!
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
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