Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
It’s called Elon’s Musk
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
What did the ghost who crashed the Halloween party say? - I’m here for the boos!
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pickle
Pickle who?
Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
Go to BabaMail
