Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.
Initially, the passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but fortunately, he made the connection in time.
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
How did the skeletons make s’mores when they went camping?
They made them on the bone-fire.
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Eddie edited it.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
What’s the silliest name you can give a tiger?
Spot.
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
What did the cat say when something bad happened? That’s un-fur-tunate!
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
When is Monday coming?
MonSoon!
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
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