What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
Have you found the center of gravity yet? It’s the letter v.
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
My pet crocodile needs help
Can I give him gatorade or does it only work for alligators?
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
Q. What's a computer geek's favourite snack?
A. Microchips.
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
Why did the volleyball player join the marines? To serve our country.
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
Did you hear the joke about the elephant who was stuck in a tree last spring? To get down, she had to sit down on a branch and wait until fall.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
What’s black and white and bounces?
A rubber panda.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
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