My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
What is the collective noun for cars?
Pack of cars.
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
Trowel and error.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
What kind of deer make great weather forecasters?
Rain-deer.
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
I love meat. I think going vegetarian would be a big missed steak.
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
What is a dog’s favorite type of homework?
A lab report.
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
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