Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
I love you from my head tomato
I hopped on the bus yesterday afternoon. After a few minutes, the driver asked me to sit down like everyone else
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw? Because they don't know how to cook it.
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
I’m rooting for you!
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yards.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
"Some people have no guts."
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
"Now he's just some bunny that I used to know."
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
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