I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
I love you deerly.
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
"Let's get fizzical. Pass the prosecco."
What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
If your piglet wants to be a wizard, there’s only one alternative: Hogwarts.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
Why was the Copper Mountain skier taken to the emergency room?
He hurt his ski bum.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.
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