Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
What do crows read? Cawmics.
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
Snow on and snow forth.
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
An ig is just a snow house without a loo!
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
What happened when Turbo lost his shell? He began to feel sluggish.
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t exactly well rounded.
What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?
Reggae-Toni.
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
I beg your garden?
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
What do you call a large colorful pile of leaves?
The Great Barrier Leaf.
My grandfather had the heart of a tiger
And a lifetime ban at the zoo
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
What does the ski bum do when the chairlift line is too long?
He's gondola top of the mountain.
"Great minds drink alike."
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
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