If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
We’ve got serious chemistry.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
Don’t worry, Moher pictures are coming.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
Grammar has never been my strong suit.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
We make a great pear
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
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