Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
Give me some pigskin
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout?
High Moon!
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
Feeling fintastic.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
Why wasn't the jogger all that bummed out when his girlfriend broke up with him?
'Cause they had a good run.
Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
Q. What do you get when a swine artist mixes two colors together?
A. Pigment.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
What is the highest compliment a zombie can receive?
- Wow, you're in Grave condition!
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
A disappointed Dad tells a knock-knock joke to his teenage son: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're a mountain." "You're a mountain, who?" "You're a mountain to nothing, son!"
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
A police officer knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bicycles what rubbish my dog doesn’t even own a bike.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
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