I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
Irish food is legen-dairy.
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
Go to BabaMail
