How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
A photon turns up at check-in for a flight with no baggage. The check-in agent says "Traveling light?". He says "Yes, I am".
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
A round of Santa-plause, please.
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
I like your tight end
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
Q. What is a gorilla in a wheelchair called?
A. Dis-ape-led.
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!
Who needs luck? I have charm.
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
Go to BabaMail
