I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.
I otter know better.
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard.
I’m not a huge fan of the bark.
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
Dud you know Astronauts said steaks are better in space?
They're a little meteor.
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
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