What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
I saw this beautiful tower in Italy..
It was a Pisa art!
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
My love for you is like no otter.
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.
I bought an old stereo.
My wife has her doubts, but I think it's a sound investment.
In every corny joke,
There is a kernel of truth.
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
My dad always said the secret to theatre was to always leave them wanting more.
He was a great guy but a terrible anaesthetist.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
Whale, hello there.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
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