Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
What does Darth Vader say when he plays volleyball? May the spike be with you.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
What do you call a sad pup?
A mellon collie
Irish food is legen-dairy.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
Irish I may, Irish I might.
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
The best holiday for you to go bowling is thanksgiving because you will get turkeys.
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
Flamingos are great at surfing the internet. I think it’s because they have webbed feet.
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.
I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
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