I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
How do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?
A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.
I sulfur when you argon.
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
I’ve heard of fraudsters before, but that was one heck of a unique-con if I ever saw one.
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
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