The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
What do you call a person who illegally delivers hugs from country to country?
An international snuggler
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tell it a funny Halloween joke and see which end laughs!
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?
A maybee
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky Charms!
We got a huge jack-o-lantern this fall. It gave the neighbors pumpkin to talk about.
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
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