I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!
"Just looking on the sunny side."
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
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