What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
I’m kind of a big dill.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
"Some people have no guts."
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
I like playing chess with old people in the park, but it gets hard to find 32 of them each time.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
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