My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
Everyone wondered why Cinderella was such a bad player. If only they knew, her coach was a pumpkin.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
I pitcher us together forever.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?
He used his frankincense.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
How did the macho bee with eczema feel?
B-Itchy
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
What does the ski bum do when the chairlift line is too long?
He's gondola top of the mountain.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
Why do horses make good lawyers?
Attention to de-tail.
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
I like playing chess with old people in the park, but it gets hard to find 32 of them each time.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
Writers have great climaxes.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
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