Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
I can't believe I can't see the bottom of the ocean.
It's unfathomable.
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
Fred fed Ted bread and Ted fed Fred bread.
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
Why is Frankenstein’s monster so popular?
He’s a real people person.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
What’s a horse’s favorite dinosaur?
The broncosaurus.
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
Why does NASA give astronauts pencils to use in space?
Because they've got the Write Stuff.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t like being known about-?
Anonymouse.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"
Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.
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