Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?
She had a fainting spell!
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
Witch you were here.
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
The company is planning to make a new series to show people how to fly an aeroplane. They are now filming the pilot.
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
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