What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
Who is the wasps' favorite singer?
Sting.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
How do bats tell their future?
They read their horrors-cope.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...
But having a giant rock is boulder.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.
Don’t be elfish.
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
What might folks in Tokyo find between Godzilla's toes?
Slow runners.
You’re udder-ly perfect.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
It's tough to tell if the sky is ever happy or not. It always looks so blue!
I would not be able to picture myself without having a camera phone.
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
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