The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
They say everything gets better with age.
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
Did you heard about the zombie crow? He wants to eat your grains.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
Seed between the lines.
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.
What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.
I made a snap decision to watch football today
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
What do you call a quiet sheep?
A shhhhhhh-eep.
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