What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
What kind of music do goats listen to?
Baaa-ch!
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
I’ve loved my vacation in France, but it’s time to Hugo.
Why didn't the sentence have a period?
Because it was pregnant.
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
Seas the day.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Dad: "Knock, knock!" Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
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