What is a car’s favourite movie character?
Aerial from The Little Mermaid.
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!
"Back that glass up."
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
How do koalas stay in shape? They do bearobics.
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
Leave poetry to the prose.
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Who were Gumby’s favorite Bible characters?
Shadrack, Meshack & AhBENDago.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
When should astronauts retire?
When they start spacing out.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
Paddy like a rockstar.
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