I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
Cutest clover in the patch.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
"I'm eggs-hausted."
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."
What did the boyfriend mouse say too the girlfriend mouse family? Mice too meet you.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
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