How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our backyard.
She's a keeper.
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
When does the moon gets his/her stomach full? During full moon.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
I was gonna make some car puns...
but I ran out of gas.
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
What do gnome mothers often say to their naughty children? Wait till your father gets gnome.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
Take off all your cloves.
Where do Santa Claus and his deers stop to have a coffee at Christmas?
“Star – Bucks!”
A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.
What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
What a spud muffin.
What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
Did you hear about the goblin that got his left arm and left leg cut off?
Well don't worry, he's all right now.
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
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