What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
What happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? The police had to comb the area.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
Why was the big white tiger angry with his other Siberian tiger friend? Because he bleached him while grooming.
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Turtles love taking shell-fies.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
How do you sink a submarine full of fools?
You knock on the door.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
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