hat did the pizza slicer say when he wanted to rob the pizza?
“Hand over the dough or I’ll cut you!”
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.
"You need a bandana, not a banana!"
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
I’m very frond of you.
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
Shell yeah.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.