Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
What do you call a cold, angry pig? A ham-brr-grr.
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa
When they want to relax, ghosts have a boo-ble bath.
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
Did you hear about the guy who got killed by a bear?
It was a grizzly death.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, what do you get?
Arrested.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
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