What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
Ana hits a lot of floating shots that her opponents destroy for winners. We need to sitter down and have a talk.
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
I beg your garden?
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
What’s the silliest name you can give a tiger?
Spot.
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Why do leaves change color in the fall? Because they want to leaf their old color.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
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