What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
A muslim woman wanted to adopt a gorilla. Her husband wouldn't allow it.
He said, that's haram, bae.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
Beach, please.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation?
The Big Dipper!
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
I was gonna make some car puns...
but I ran out of gas.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
Icy what you did there.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
Who wrote the fantasy novel How To Be A Better Baseball Player?
Ben Schwarmer.
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!