Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
Which Star Wars movie is a baseball player's least favorite?
The Umpire Strikes Back.
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
When did the pianist finally turn their life around?
After they hit Rockbottomoff.
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
You mermake me happy.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?
hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.
Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
Mountains aren't just funny.
They're hill areas.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
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