What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
It's a current affair.
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky
What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
A sad bullet comes home to his family.
"Honey you look terrible!" Exclaims his wife. "What happened?"
"I got fired."
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
Why did the strawberries turned red? Because they saw the salad dressing.
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
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