Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
I can't believe I can't see the bottom of the ocean.
It's unfathomable.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
What does a bookworm do during a baseball game? Worm the bench.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
Make it rein.
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
Why are frogs great outfielders?
Because they never miss a fly.
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
It takes one to snow one.
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
What’s every ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
Sundae school teacher.
Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!
How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.
If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.
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