Girls just wanna have sun.
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree on me.
It was a hambush.
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
Books are my kind of texts.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
How many atoms are in guacamole?
Avocados number.
What do you call people who are obsessed with crocodiles?
Crocophiles.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.
What is one of the big tiger's most favorite hangout places? A shopping maul.
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
What do you get when you use a cookie cutter shaped like a deer? Cookie doe!
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
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