How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen?
Because they peel.
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
Why aren't there more Bigfoot jokes?
There are, but they're really hard to find!
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
Why was the leprechaun fired from his cashier job?
'Cause he was always a little short.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
Just brew it!
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
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