There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
As one black bug, bled blue, black blood. The other black bug bled blue.
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
When the ghost went to a fancy restaurant, he decided to wear a boo-tie.
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life. However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it's an auto-biography.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
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