just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,
ImPeck-able.
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
The only ship that has never docked on their harbor is the premiership.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O'Clock.
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
What do you call a Greek love song?
An Aphro-ditty.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put down.
Someone randomly dropped off a bull in my neighbor’s yard, but animal control picked it up before she got home.
She would have had a cow.
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
You’re my heartthrob.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
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