I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
Harambe wasn’t only one of the best gorillas I’ve ever met...
He was also a great ape.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
One mermaid said to the other, "I love your shell bracelet, can I Triton?"
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
The pint’s the limit.
There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!
It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.
What do vegetarian zombies say?
Graaaiiinnss!
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
Many mumbling mice are making merry music in the moonlight.
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
Who is Frosty’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt Artica!