What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
I hate spring cleaning.
Darn things bounce all over the place.
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
You're acute Valentine.
Where do sharks go when they want a vacation? Finland
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
He’s my pinch charming.
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen?
Because they peel.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."
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