What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
Playing the keyboard is...
my type of music.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
I’ve loved my vacation in France, but it’s time to Hugo.
Turtles that commit crime are sent to the shell-block.
Why was the big white tiger angry with his other Siberian tiger friend? Because he bleached him while grooming.
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
What did the baby mouse do when she saw a bat?
She ran home and told her mother she saw an angel
Digital burgers are nothing but processed meat.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
Why are frogs great outfielders?
Because they never miss a fly.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck.
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
I sulfur when you argon.
What is a dog’s favorite type of homework?
A lab report.
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
What do you call a goat who paints pictures?
Vincent Van Goat.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!
We have great chemis-tree.
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