Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
Poor white splash.
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
Get in the swim this summer.
my buddy’s sad after getting fired from taco bell, so being a caring friend i asked if he wanted to
taco bout it?
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
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