A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
What is the the chemical formulation for candy molecules? Carbon, Holmium, Cobalt, Lanthanum, Tellerium—or ChoCoLaTe.
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
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