It takes one to snow one.
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
Pirates Private Property.
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
You’re my lucky charm.
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
When the going gets tough, let the pins fall where they may.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.
There is no glory in practice, but without practice there can be no glory. This volleyball pun is very inspirational. For you to do your best, you have to be willing to practice.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
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