What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
We’re a perfect mash.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.
What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
A man went to buy long underwear cause the weather was getting cold. The cashier asked " How long would you like them"
"From march to September", said the man.
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
Give me some pigskin
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
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