What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.
What do you call an indoor plant?
An intro-vert
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
I heard they’re remaking one of the Lord of the Rings movies, but everyone rides around on bicycles instead of horses.
They’re calling it The Two Tires
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.
. How can you easily identify a dogwood tree? By listening to the bark.
Was the koala able to complete the grueling 26-mile marathon? Bearly.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
Time to spruce things up.
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
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