I’m feelin’ green.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
As it snow happens.
I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t exactly well rounded.
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
There’s a lot of debate over where the best place to punch a shark is.
Personally, I think it’s the sea.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
What advice did the grandpa pig have for his kids?
“Don’t take anything for grunted.”
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
A potato gave a gift to his girlfriend.She said, “Aww, why are you so sweet? ”He said, “It’s just the
way I yam.”
The hipster beaver denied swimming in the river. He said it was too main-stream.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
What did one cloud of fog say to the other?
I don’t know. It’s a mistery.
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
What did the beach say to the water? "I need some vitamin sea."
Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
Where do otters keep their money? In the river bank!
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
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