What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
What do dogs and commas have in common? Dogs have claws at the end of their paws and commas are a pause at the end of a clause.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
"Sip happens."
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
People really liked the new king's coronation day peach. He truly deserves the throne.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee. It was atoll.
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What is a gorillas favourite ice cream flavour.
Chocolate chimp.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
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