Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
Who will Frankenstein’s monster take to the dance?
Any old girl he can dig up.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
What do cats eat on hot days?
Mice cream.
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
Witch you were here.
Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
We've reached the point of snow return.
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.
Why shouln’t you rub avocado in your eyes?
You might get guacoma.
Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.
You’re wine in a million.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
What do you call a dog on the beach in the summer? A hot dog!
Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
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