What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
Yally Bally had a jolly golliwog. Feeling folly, Yally Bally Bought his jolly golli' a dollie made of holly! The golli', feeling jolly, named the holly dollie, Polly. So Yally Bally's jolly golli's holly dollie Polly's also jolly!
When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?
How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
France is beautiful in every Cezanne.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!
If there's a will, there's a wave.
What do planets like to read?
Comet books.
What’s the silliest name you can give a tiger?
Spot.
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
Take a page from the book and leaf.
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
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