How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.
You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
Water you doing on [date]?
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
How do monkeys get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
I always tend to forget the french word for strawberry sometimes. But, then I eventually remember the fraise.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
What do teenage deer do at slumber parties?
Truth or deer.
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.
What happened to the dog who ate too much garlic?
Its bark was worse than its bite.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth.
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
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