I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
I’m very frond of you.
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw. Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes ? A dino-sewer.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
What do you call a T-Rex that gets into a fight with the Indominus Rex? Dino-sore.
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
Go to BabaMail
