What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
"Just one hot chick."
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
I asked a beaver out on a date. The beaver replied: “Gnaw.” I said: “Dam.”
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
What is the the chemical formulation for candy molecules? Carbon, Holmium, Cobalt, Lanthanum, Tellerium—or ChoCoLaTe.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
All stereos are so typical.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
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