Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
Don't fork-get your manners.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
I wanna tell a joke about a girl who eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
What do you get when someone stares coldly at you?
Glare ice.
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.
How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.
Real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels.
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
What is the capital of Greece?
G.
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.
Sorry if this is extra cheesy, but you have a pizza my heart.
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
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