Who holds sermons during Sunday in Italy?
The Pasta.
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?
Reggae-Toni.
You should call us butter because we are on a roll. This would be one of the best volleyball puns to put on a T-shirt.
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
What does a baby vampire say before going to bed?
- Turn on the dark, I’m scared of the light.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.
What do you can an ant scientist?
Albert Antstein.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
"You crack me up."
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
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