You are aged to perfection.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
I replaced the milk in the carton with lemon juice. Everyone was really sour about it.
You should call us butter because we are on a roll. This would be one of the best volleyball puns to put on a T-shirt.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
You’re udder-ly perfect.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
What do you get when you cross a Sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
How do penguins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
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