Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
What does the birch like to study in school? Chemistree.
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons—balancing them badly.
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
Feeling my shelf.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
You have goat to be kidding me.
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games.
But that's a Risk I'm willing to take.
What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.
I love you meow and forever.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
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