We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
Why can I not make jokes about the recent attacks in France?
Because jokes are all about execution.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
My bank is really proud of me.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance!
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
We were mermaid for each other.
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
What does the birch like to study in school? Chemistree.
Love at frost sight!
Fir sure.
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
"Over-easy like Sunday morning."
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
I'd catalog you with the cookbooks because you look delicious.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
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