What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
What do you call a Spanish Goat with no hind legs?
Gracias
Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....
I hope they meat her expectations
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
You really mermaid my day.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
What did one cloud of fog say to the other?
I don’t know. It’s a mistery.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
What is a deer’s favorite meal?
Deer-ner!
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.
Why did the keyboard not get any sleep?...
Because it has two shifts.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
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