Car puns are really tiring
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
What did the dog groomer say to her dentist?
I clean my canines every day.
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
Up to snow good.
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
I think you’re dandelion.
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.
Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
What do you call an elephant with rotors?
A Nellie-copter.
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
Fishing you a happy day.
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
There is a specific type of cats who love to go bowling. They are known as alley cats.
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
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