How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
A bomb goes of in a cheese shop.
You can see da brie everywhere.
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
You’re the queen of my heart.
St. Patrick’s Day makes me Spring to life.
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
What’s an alligator’s favorite dip?
Croc-amole.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
Don’t worry, beer happy.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
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