What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
A berry funny strawberry candy is called a Laffy taffy.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
Fresh French fried fly fritters
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
Why do freshwater fish cry so much?
They’re just a stream of emotions.
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
As soon as one beaver jumped in the river to search for his key, it got shocked, as the current was too strong.
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
How did the wife know her mountaineering husband was cheating on her? She caught Himalayan about it more than once.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
My friend learned Spanish by jotting sentences repeatedly...
He used wrote learning.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
Heard about the devoted beaver who crossed the turbulent river? He took a leap of faith!
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.
It was otter chaos.
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
I'd steer clear of dating a dyslexic bus driver.
Sure, they may take you places, but there'll be mixed signals along the way.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
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