How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
What is a dog’s favorite movie about dinosaurs?
Jurassic Bark.
We bee-long together.
A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
Why are Siberian tigers so happy at Christmas time? Because it is snowy, and they get to look like white tigers.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
Santa's Short Suit Shrunk
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
What is a snowman’s favorite type of burger? A chilli cheese burger with iceberg lettuce.
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
Why did the belt get arrested? Because he held up a pair of pants. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
Vampires can always Count on Dracula.
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog?
An extra long toilet brush.
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
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