How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.
I lost my grip, and my beer shattered on the floor.
This Corona outbreak is really getting out of hand.
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
What animal could Noah not trust?
Cheetah
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?
Really lost. (Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere)!
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
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