I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
What is a koala’s favorite soft drink? Koka-Koala, of course!
Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
Join us for a slice of fun.
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
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