If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
I’m feelin’ green.
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
Where is a flamingo’s favourite place to dance? The hop, of course!
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish.
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
What happened when Turbo lost his shell? He began to feel sluggish.
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
What do koalas do when they’re facing a tough situation? They grin and bear it.
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
Don’t be elfish.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"
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