How will you come to know when the moon will go broke? It would happen when moon is down to its last quarter.
I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
What does a skeleton use to cut through objects?
A shoulder blade.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
What kind of tree does a chicken come from?
A poul-tree.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Me me mo mi get me a mole,
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Fe me mo mi get me a mole,
Mister kister feet so sweet,
Mister kister where will I eat !?
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
You have a pizza my heart.
What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
There was a new head strong sherif in town!
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
I love you berry much.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
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