Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
Time to celery-brate.
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
My friend told me he had to leave the play after Act l. Knowing he'd waited forever to see it, I asked him why. He said the program stated that Act ll was two years later, and he refused to wait that long.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
Witch you were here.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
How did the skeletons make s’mores when they went camping?
They made them on the bone-fire.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I really lava you!
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
Go to BabaMail
