Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?
Bipolar.
The plant was tired of being boring.
It has decided to turn over a new leaf.
How do deer clean their feet?
Hoof paste.
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
How many colors are in the rainbow? I haven't got a blue.
What does a bowler and a Thanksgiving guest have in common?
They both want a Turkey.
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
What do you can an ant scientist?
Albert Antstein.
A potato gave a gift to his girlfriend.She said, “Aww, why are you so sweet? ”He said, “It’s just the
way I yam.”
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
"Aloe you vera much."
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
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