What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey because he's already stuffed!
What was the owl’s favorite Whitney Houston song?
Owl always love you.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
Why do trolls live under bridges?
To troll goats!
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
"I've found some bunny to love."
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
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