What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
Go big or go gnome.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
What did the ghoul say to the clown on Halloween?
Tag, you’re it!
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears?
Frosted tips.
It’s a winterful day!
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
Pugs and kisses.
Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
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