I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
Every piece of you is sweet.
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
Why is Frankenstein’s monster so popular?
He’s a real people person.
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
I can heartly wait to see you again.
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
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