What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
How are baseball umpires and angry chickens alike?
Both make fowl calls.
It’s a winterful day!
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
What did Detective Duck say to his partner?
“Let’s quack this case.”
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.
What do you call a tooth in a glass full of water?
A one molar solution.
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
Did you hear what happened to the cheese after its breakup?
It got provolonely.
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
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